I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
