Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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