There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
