I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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