You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
