I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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