I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
