Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize