Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
