I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
