The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
