Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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