I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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