as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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