zippers are such a cool invention
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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