I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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