I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
