Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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