So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Randomize
