Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I bet he comes in French.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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