The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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