my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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