dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
