I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
