I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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