Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
