My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
