i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
