By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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