On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
