Swine flu is the new snow day.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
