Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
