Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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