Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
