Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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