Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
