like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize