wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
