the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
