Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
