I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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