The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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