Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
