After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
