How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
