Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
