There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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