That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
