Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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