I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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