Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
