you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
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