I wish my penis had an off switch
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
