he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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