Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
