I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
