I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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