The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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