I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
