He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
