I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
